Classic Gold Into Cash: The Assange Gambit

SURREPTITIOUSLY DECLASSIFIED THEATRE PRESENTS:

FELIX LEITER OF THE CIA IN: THE ASSANGE GAMBIT

Felix Leiter: Well, let’s see what the boys in the lab have cooked up for this Assange fellow. He's been quite an annoyance with his leaking and all.

Undisclosed CIA Operative: Felix, how DO you stay so young... and sometimes black?

Leiter: I’m afraid that’s classified. HAHAHAHA!

UCIAOP: HAHAHA! Oh, you.

Leiter: Here come the boys from the lab.

Boy from the lab, (who is actually around 53): Leiter I have to say that this is our best exploding cigar yet.

Leiter: Exploding cigar? Didn’t that fail horribly? Something about Cuban bacon?

Everyone stares at the small box in the hand of the lab "boy".

Leiter: And why doesn’t that thing look like a cigar? Looks like a pack of damned rubbers.

Other boy from the lab, (who turned 50 the previous Thursday): This particular exploding cigar is in Mr. Assange’s pants, *snicker*. Let me introduce the self-breaking condom. The tip will be destroyed instantly upon contact with semen.

Leiter: I get it ... wait ... I don’t get it.

UCIAOP: We have two women who are willing to have sex with Assange.

Leiter: Seriously?

Crickets Chirp.

UCIAOP: They’re Swedish.

Leiter: AH. Gotcha. So the condom leaks and he’s forced to marry one of them and get out of this whole leaking business? Seems a bit complicated. I mean, which one does he marry? Both of them?

UCIAOP: It's genius, really. Wish I'd had one of these during my old Skull and Bones days to put one over on the boys. You see, we replace his regular condom with our little friend here, the Swedes move in, his penis leaks inside of them and he’s so revved up from the orgasm that he doesn’t realize it’s broken. The girls scream ‘Sex by Surprise’...

Leiter: They scream what now?

UCIAOP:  It’s a Swedish thing. I’m not really sure myself. Apparently you can’t pass a woman a fish on Thursday in Sweden without being accused of rape.

Leiter: Ah. Gotcha.

UCIAOP: It’s in the World Fact Book. Look it up.

Leiter: Yeah. Sweden. Go on.

UCIAOP: So everyone thinks he’s a douche, the Swedes get him and give him to us. We throw him in a deep, dark justice hole and scare the boogers out of his cohorts.  What do you think?

Crickets Chirp.

Leiter: Are we out of poison or something?

UCIAOP: You don’t like it?

Leiter: We can't just kill him?

Crickets chirp.

Leiter: Oh, whatever. I’m just longing for the old days. It’s a go. Just make sure it’s classified. HAHAHAHA!

UCIAOP: HAHAHA! Oh, you.